Internet Dating Turnoffs for Women
January 20th, 2010
Internet dating turnoffs for women.
If you have ever tried internet dating and met with little success, you may want to consider some of the following tips on how NOT to turn off a prospect before the first date.
A number of friends and associates have recently found themselves single and in their 40s. Dating can be challenging at this age for any number of reasons including available time, finances and children’s schedules not to mention the emotional aspects of engaging in a relationship after a divorce or break up of a long term relationship.
It can be particularly challenging to meet someone by chance and that is why 20 million people visit an online dating service each month, as estimated by Online Dating Magazine.
At a recent gathering of single ladies, the conversation turned to some of their experiences on the web. It became clear from the comments that there were many people on the major dating sites, both men and women, who could use a touch up on dating etiquette. This article is based on the comments of over 25 women who have used such sites as MatchLink, WebFriends, eHarmony, Match, Plentyoffish and more.
If you are a single man looking for a meaningful long term relationship there are women on these sites looking for the same outcome. However, based on many of the experiences sited below, there is often a disconnect between what someone wants and how they present themselves.
The following tips are meant to be a guideline for what to do and not do as you begin to use the world of internet dating. They are limited to the pre-meeting phase of contact. If you are doing any of the following, you may want to reconsider.
10. Profile picture is outdated. If your profile picture is more than a few months old, update it. Several women cited experiences of being drawn in by a picture and upon seeing the man for the first time, found the picture was from 5 or more years ago. One woman noted that the man in the picture was the Hottest Guy on Match only to have him show up weighing at least 100 pounds more than the photo, unshaven and depressed (his own admission.)
While most people want to be with someone who loves them for who they are on the inside, internet dating does lend itself to an initial review based on looks. If you do not like the way you look enough to put a current picture up, you are essentially trying to start a relationship based on misrepresentation. Portray who you are today and you will stand a better chance of clicking with someone who responds to your profile.
Along the same lines, make an effort to post a picture that can be seen. Shots of you climbing Mt. Everest or jet skiing taken from a block away are interesting and tell a little about you, but be sure to include a close up.
9. You are lonely, bitter, wounded, or otherwise emotionally unhealthy. Cruising through the profiles, it is amazing how many people are looking for someone to make them feel better. If you are not happy with yourself when you are alone, no one can make you happy. This is your work, no one else’s. Seek counseling, therapy, coaching; read books or attend workshops to address your emotional needs before bringing the same baggage to the next relationship.
Here are some examples of profile quotes that several women cited as a turn off:
“Lonely, bitter and divorced.”
“looking for someone who won’t hurt me again like I was devastated the last time”
One woman received an email from a man who’s last relationship had ended 10 months ago. He had rented an apartment to be close to the woman he had been dating and was waiting for the next partner relationship to decide where he was going to live. If you do not see the red flag in this scenario, read it again.
8. Your profile does not say anything about who you are. Do not write your profile like it is a work of fiction, a story or a dream. One profile began, “I walked down the stairs and no one was there. I turned the corner and no one was there. I searched and searched and no one was there.” The entire profile read like this. By the third line, he was right: no one was there reading his profile any longer.
Another one began “My wife was abducted by space aliens 9 years ago and she blamed me. I apologized but we got divorced anyway…..”
Be real and tell about who you are and what makes you unique. It’s those little things that can really make a relationship click, like you both like sushi, the smell of rain and cats.
7. You have no picture. If you do not have a picture, do not expect a response. No picture begs the question “why?” Are you married? Don’t want someone to see you? You are a spreader of STDs? Dumped too many women and there is a posse after you? What are you hiding? Not to mention it is unfair that you can see pictures of women but they can not see you. If you want a better response, put up your picture.
Also, asking for a woman’s personal email address in order to send them a picture is asking a woman to take an unnecessary risk by exposing some of her personal information. It also becomes awkward when the picture arrives and the attraction isn’t there. Now that a personal connection has been made, it is harder to say “no thanks.” Keep it simple and use the systems the way they are set up to protect everyone.
6. There is a beautiful or sexy woman in your profile pictures. What woman is not going to compare herself to this unknown person in the photo? She might be your sister but most women are going to assume its your wife or girlfriend. Really, why would you post that? Surely there must be a decent flattering photo of you that does not include a woman.
5. Your emails and instant messages are self centered. One woman noted she had spent an hour instant messaging one man who in that entire time never asked her one question about herself. After 10 minutes she started keeping track of how long it would be before he did and said good bye after realizing it wasn’t going to happen. It is exhausting to keep a conversation going by yourself. Electronic communication is a two way street and if you are uninterested in learning about the woman you are talking with, than why bother? Asking someone about themselves ensures you are getting someone who is a good match for you as well as demonstrating you can think about someone besides yourself. Mastering the basic skills of interpersonal communication will have long term benefits in any relationship.
4. You must talk about sex in detail before meeting someone DO NOT make any sexual references in your emails. And, DO NOT tell about your sexual preferences and conquests unless asked. AND, when asked to stop, STOP. Here are some excerpts from a number of emails one woman received from DIFFERENT men:
“and you will soon realize after being around me that I like to walk around naked. Unfortunately I was blessed with the Irish curse but I’m not hung up on that and hope you won’t be either.”
“I’m strictly on this site for sex, so if you’re interested, write back.”
“and I prefer that my women be completely shaved in all the right places.”
“You wouldn’t believe how many women are out there that don’t want to have sex. You’re not like that are you?”
3. Lying in your profile description. This includes saying you are divorced when you are not or saying you are athletic and toned when you don’t exercise. A woman cited how she has started dating the greatest guy. His profile began “Starting Over…..” After a year, his divorce had not even begun, she had never met any of his friends or family and he was still living with his wife. She finally realized he was never getting divorced and ended the relationship.
2. Take NO for an answer. When someone tells you they are not interested, respect that and move on. In one case, Karen K. received two emails asking her to meet for a drink. She gently told the man she was not interested and wished him luck in his search. She took her profile down for a few weeks and then put it back up. As soon as it was visible, he emailed her again with a lengthy missive selling her on his attributes and why they should get together. When she didn’t respond, he emailed her again saying “I really, really, really think you should meet me for a drink.” She responded with another, stronger “No thanks” and he emailed her again. Finally she had to block him.
It is hard to say “no” because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So when someone indicates they are not interested, take it that they mean what they say.
1. Respond. When you receive a wink or an email, respond even if it’s to say you aren’t interested. So many women cited this as their number one complaint. They would summon up the courage and contact someone, they could see the guy had checked out their profile and then never responded. One of the classiest things you can do is to have a gentle, kind way of saying “no thanks.”
Jeanette, a tall blonde from the suburbs, told the story of how she sent an email to a man she found to be very attractive. He responded that he didn’t date women from the suburbs due to his hectic travel schedule, children and living in the city. He had found that it didn’t work well for him. It may or may not have been true but Jeanette could understand it and left that contact with a positive feeling about him and herself.
One item that was not covered was that some sites will keep your profile up if you don’t hide it once your subscription runs out. This can be misleading, with people responding to your profile with emails that can’t be returned. Consider hiding your profile from public view when your subscription expires to save people the time of writing and the wondering about why you didn’t respond.
Internet dating can be a great way to meet people that normally would not come into your life. By taking a little extra time with your profile, being yourself and respecting the women you are trying to connect with, you should see positive results.
